Parent by Design

A Program Made With Love By

How to create yourself as the parent you know you can BE & the parent your child needs you to BE

welcome

Hello to you,

Welcome to Parent by Design, I'm very happy that you made it here.

Please press play on the video below for a brief introduction to the program from me.

With love, 

Dominic 

what is it?

Rather than simply walk trance-like into your default parenting future, imagine creating yourself as the parent that you want to be and the parent your kids need you to be instead?

Parent by Design is a program where I'll teach you the exact process that I use day in and day out to do just that.

You'll get lifetime access to six online workshops packed with lessons, tools, exercises and activities. Complete them in your own time with 100% support from me via a private Facebook group. You also get a downloadable workbook that serves as a practical reference tool as well as a lovely memento of your journey.

who is it for?

Whether you are currently pulling your hair out in frustration or you know that deep down, you are capable of doing a better job, this program is for you.

I'm going to show you how to:

support

The private Facebook group is the heartbeat of the program and where we do the most important work.

I am there every day answering your questions, offering tips, personalised advice, guidance and motivation.

I host live Q&A calls every week so you can engage with me 1:1 on any issue.

You will also learn from the experiences of other parents in the group as we share this journey.

my commitment to you

In the time we spend together, I promise to serve you to the very best of my ability.  

I'm not remotely interested in you buying this program and then not fully embedding it into how you live your life.

A conceptual understanding is one thing, but words don't teach only experience does. I will do my utmost to help you, guide you and coach you through the changes you want to make.

We'll also have some fun along the way.

why does it exist?

Parent by Design was born out of my frustration from just parenting on autopilot: no plan, not much thought, with only instinct and hope as my guides. I call this parenting by default.

I was tired of feeling like I wasn't doing a good job, that I was failing my kids. I had a persistent low-level anxiety thanks to the feeling that I should be doing more to prepare them for life without knowing exactly what that 'more' was.

These can be heavy weights to carry, and for me, they made things worse; when you're not sure what to do, the self-doubt and lack of confidence creep in.

This can have a knock-on effect elsewhere and it's not an ideal way to model life for your kids.

It was only when I began to apply the ideas that I use to help my coaching clients transform their lives to how I parent, that things started to shift for me.

Some of which I share with you below - see 10 big ideas.

how is it different from other parenting programs?

It's different in the sense that it's not really a parenting program. It's a way of seeing your world differently and inhabiting it differently, with an emphasis and focus on parenting.

I come at this from an entirely different perspective. I believe that successful parenting (like life) is nothing to do with techniques or strategies and everything to do with who you are BEING. The effectiveness of the best technique in the world will always be limited by the person using it. The clue is in the title we are human beings, not human doings.

And once you make powerful shifts to the way that you see your world and how you show up in it, that has a transformative effect across ALL areas of your life, including, but not limited to, your parenting.

what will it do for you?

Parent by Design is a journey of self-discovery. I'm not here to teach you my way. I'm here to help you to find yours. We will go through the exact process that I have honed and stress-tested over the last 18 months. And you will work out how you can be the parent you want to be and the parent your kids need you to be.

Armed with this knowledge, you'll have a newfound sense of certainty and the confidence that comes with knowing that you are doing the right thing for yourself and your kids.

You'll discover your answers to those questions I mentioned in the video so that when your kids close that front door behind them for the last time, you'll be happy and proud; you'll know that you did everything in your power to parent to the best of your ability.

what will it do for your kids?

In this program, you will also learn how to help your kids to develop psychological and emotional resilience as well as how to teach them the qualities they need to succeed in life. (see Workshops 2 & 3 below) 

Your relationship with them will also improve.

Once you know what they need from you and how to deliver that, your child will feel understood, loved and supported. You'll learn how to trust them (and yourself), believe in them (and yourself), and accept them for who they are (same for you too). You will also learn how you can best support them along their life journey. 

Essentially, you will be creating the conditions for them to grow and thrive.

what other parents are saying

your commitment

Parent by Design is not a turn-up-and-watch-a-few-videos kind of program. Creating a new YOU requires a bit of work. Are you willing to roll your sleeves up and get stuck in?

It's not difficult work, but it is different.

Your only commitment is to yourself and to do the work required. I promise you that on the other side of that are the answers that you are looking for.

what next?

If what I have said so far has struck a chord, then here are some ways you can find out more. Take your time, get a feel for the program and whether it's right for you or not.

more info this way

the 10 big ideas

idea 1: parenting by instinct does you and your child a disservice

Can you honestly think of any other serious undertaking in life that we approach the same way we parent our kids?

Imagine the look on the bank managers face when you casually mention your strategy to repay the mortgage is 'hoping things will turn out ok!' Forget the 10,000-hour rule. Most of us spend more time researching our summer holiday than we do learning how to be a better parent. 

I'm being flippant, but you get my point. 

By just 'winging it', not only are we letting our kids down we are also letting ourselves down. The problem is, good enough isn't really good enough, not anymore, anyway. Not if you want to raise kids equipped with the psychological flexibility, emotional resilience and confidence required to express themselves and thrive in the world.

I'm not saying this to be controversial or to pile on the guilt. I'm coming from a place of understanding, love and compassion; I've been there too. 

I know the self-doubt, the anxiety and the worry that stems from thinking that you aren't doing enough, that you are failing them in some way. That nagging feeling that you should be doing more, without knowing exactly what that is.

I also know that another version of you is possible.

You can be a more present, more engaged, more loving, more understanding and more supportive parent.

Like anything else in life that's worthwhile, this does require a bit of effort. Being a Parent by Design is not difficult work, but it is different.

Rather than focus on what to do, you'll work out what sort of parent you want to BE instead. It's how you show up that matters. This deep, inside work will give you access to your inner wisdom, so you can create your very own parenting blueprint, a state of BEING for you to come from.

I'll also help you to understand what your kids need from you to thrive. No more worrying about 'doing more' or 'failing' them. Instead, you'll help them to build psychological resilience and develop confidence in who they are and their capacity to express that.

It's my experience that you don't just have to just settle for 'Well. I did the best I could.' You can strive to BE the parent you are capable of BEING instead. As Maya Angelou said:

Now is the perfect opportunity for you to know and do better.

idea 2: be a champion for their unique magnificence

There are 7.9 billion people alive right now, 117 billion to have ever lived, and your child is unlike any single one of them. You have helped to bring into this world a beautiful, incredible and unique soul. And what messages do we, as a society and as parents, bombard this perfect one-of-a-kind expression of humanity with?

I know why we do it. I'm guilty of it myself. We call it pragmatism, but if we are honest, it's just fear. And the ultimate result is a lesser, diluted, shadow version of who our kids are and have the potential to be. It's little wonder then that the number one regret of the dying is:

That's not just sad, it's tragic. Our one chance to dance on this planet, and we blow it.

So, why not be the one voice in their world that is a champion for their unique magnificence? In this program, you'll learn how to help your child develop the confidence needed to express themselves fully. I'll show you how to provide the right conditions to support them as they develop the courage required to be someone who can contribute to the world in their own unique way: to make a difference.

After all, there's room in the garden for every type of flower.

idea 3: it's better to be a thermostat than a thermometer

Most of us live life in THERMOMETER mode: we get sucked in by other people's energy or the energy of the circumstances in which we find ourselves. Kids are especially good at keeping us in thermometer mode, like beautiful little black holes for our time, attention and energy.

THERMOSTAT mode is different.

When you decide in advance the sort of person and parent you want to be, you set the temperature for your life and the people around you. When you get clear on how you want to show up in the world, you are much less likely to be sucked into anyone else's energy because you are calibrated to your own.

I will show you how to commit to being a THERMOSTAT, not a THERMOMETER. You'll learn how to embody the sort of person and parent you want to be, how to calibrate to your POWER so that life has no choice but to meet you where you are.

The circumstances of your life do not define you. It is who you are BEING in the face of those circumstances that defines you. And when you begin to approach life from that understanding and mindset, witness your whole world begin to shift.

idea 4: you are creating your kids. literally.

Aside from the very act of creation itself, you create your kids each day in a whole variety of ways:

Over the years, this amounts to hundreds of thousands of touchpoints.

You don't just help to shape the sort of person that your child becomes, you are instrumental in their creation.

The problem is, we don't realise just how significant this is. If we did, we would no doubt give it more consideration.
Imagine how powerful it would be if you were to interact with your child deliberately and purposefully?

This is possible, but only when you know with clarity:

This is the best way to avoid just parenting by default, and in this program, I will show you how you can do this.
You can't do anything about how you have created your kids before reading this.

That time has gone.

But from this point onward, you can.

idea 5: in life, you don't get what you want you get who you ARE

When we don't get the results we want, our instinct is DO something different: work harder, change strategy, learn a new skill, etc. But, our capacity for DOING will always be limited by our sense of BEING: 

These are the unwritten, often hidden, personal rules we have for how life works for us. Taking action contrary to our sense of BEING is akin to breaking one of these rules. This is why meaningful long-term change is so difficult.

But, it cuts much deeper than that. 

Your rule book permeates your life and your ability to parent way more than you might think. Here's a personal example using one of my rules or limiting beliefs: I'm not good enough.

It's a common limiting belief, an idea a lot of us take on in childhood. But the idea that I'm not good enough doesn't just sit there in the background waiting to spring into action; it is always on. 

This belief influences everything: how I see the world, how I interact with it, how I behave, what I say, the decisions I make.

I am literally creating my life through this idea of not being good enough, and guess what sort of results I get.

Yep.

And what do those results confirm back to me?

You've guessed it again... that I'm not good enough.

But here's the other thing that I hadn't quite realised... I am creating my kids through the I'm not good enough lens too. How I am with them, what I say or don't say, what I do or don't do, how I think about them is shaped by I'm not good enough.

How I parent them too: my advice to them; what I'm telling them about how the world works and their place in it; how I see them; helps them to take 'I'm not good enough' on as a rule  for themselves.

They are learning how to BE not good enough themselves, from me. As Carl Jung said:

When you work on who you are BEING instead of what you are DOING, you create such massive shifts in your world. It allows you to go beyond your limiting story. And because you show up differently you also help your child develop a sense of BEING that is not limiting for them and their life.

idea 6: you're gonna screw 'em up, but you can screw 'em up less.

This is me aged 10. (It was 1981 and I think my mum was still in charge of my haircuts.)

I didn't know it at the time, but I'd already started to take onboard the ideas and beliefs that would shape my whole future. I wish I could say that these were all positive, but unfortunately as you'll no doubt know yourself, that's not the case.

We all take on limiting beliefs like: I'm not good enough; I'm a failure; I don't belong; life is difficult; I can’t trust myself, others, or the world; I'm powerless,; I need to be perfect; it always goes wrong for me. These ideas then become the hidden rules and structures that create the story of our lives.

It's not that we don't have the capacity to create the lives we want, to be the parents we know we can be, it's just that holding these ideas limits the kind of future that's available to us.

And just as this happened with me and you, it's happening to your child too.

Right now.

We'll never know or be able to control how our kids internalise the challenges or stressful circumstances they experience. And without doubt, despite our best efforts, we are going to be responsible for some of it... that just comes with the territory. But what you can do is provide a powerful counterbalance to this. A way of dealing with life that provides the conditions for your child to be as psychologically robust as possible. 

This will provide them with a strong platform from which they will have the confidence to be able to express themselves fully in life. This is one of the key lessons in the program; you will learn how to help your child to write a better story for themselves. And, when you learn how to do this for your children and witness their transformation, you'll be able to apply it to you and your life too.

idea 7: what you see (them as) is what you get

When you look at your child, you don't actually see them. When you listen to your child, you don't actually hear them. Instead, what you see and hear is the sum total of your opinions about them.

Your past interactions, your beliefs about who they are and what they are capable of act as a filter. You don't see and hear them as they are, you see and hear them as who you already know them to be.

Your child occurs to you as already known, whether you are consciously aware of it or not, who they truly are has long since been forgotten. Great parenting is about seeing past these limitations that you have imposed to the true person that lies beyond.

The approach you will learn in this program is summed up best for me by this quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson: 

I do this with my kids using  character strengths, the 24 positive personality traits that we all possess. When you see and then speak to the best parts of your child you can only bring out the best in them. They begin to see themselves in a positive light, as someone who already has traits such as, bravery, perseverance, creativity, hope, self-regulation and judgement.

Seeing them through this lens helps them see themselves in this way too and gives them the confidence to be able to express these qualities. In the program I will show you exactly how to do this. 

Be a champion for their greatness, believe in them more than they believe in themselves and watch what sort of human being develops in front of your own eyes.

Because what you see (them as) is what you get.

idea 8: when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change

The parenting problems you have don't exist in isolation, like all the other problems in your life there is a common denominator = you. 

This program isn't about 'fixing' any single problem you might have, you'll learn how you are creating them instead. All of them.

I know that it looks and feels for all the world that our problems are real, and that something or someone else is at least partly responsible for them, but any problem you have ever had, have now, or will ever have, are ALL created by YOUR THINKING.

We get so wrapped up in the content of the problem that we fail to see how we create them in the first place, and as you will see in a moment, you aren't living in a world of fact, you are living inside a world of fiction that you have created. 

Let's try this out now.

Get a piece of paper and draw a line straight down the middle.

Now take a problem, it could be anything: something that you keep meaning to do but don't; or a problem with your child/ partner; or a problem at work.

Now, write down on the left hand-side the cold, hard facts of the situation; ONLY THE FACTS, and be as specific as possible.

And, on the right hand-side, write down the answers to the following questions:

Your answers here are key, and when you probe them you'll find a whole network of ideas and beliefs you have that limit your potential in this world. I show you how to uncover these and what to do with this information in the program.

Looking at your answers now, you might be shocked to notice just how much time, energy and emotion you have wrapped up inside a world that doesn't really exist. But for me, the most interesting questions to ask here are:

Here is where the gold lies.

With your answers to these questions you can begin to see the possibility for who you can BE, not just as a parent, but also as a human being.

idea 9: a better relationship with your child starts with a better relationship with yourself

Imagine being in a relationship where you were totally accepted for who you were, you weren't judged in any way. Where the other person took the time to understand you for who you really are.

Where your behaviour didn't change their love for you because they loved every single part of you unconditionally (warts and all). And on top of that, they trusted you completely, they believed in you more than you believed in yourself, and you had their total and unwavering support.

Just close your eyes and sit with that for a moment... how does it feel? 

Basking in the warmth and the glow of that every day, you couldn't help but flourish could you? In fact, it would be almost impossible not to.

So, why do we have a relationship with ourselves that is the exact opposite of the one I just described? We are all riddled with guilt, self-judgement and self-doubt. We criticise and beat ourselves up, we self-sabotage, nothing we do is ever good enough. We don't trust ourselves or believe in ourselves fully, we don't feel good enough or worthy.

The cost to you of holding on to these ideas is huge: 

It's crazy really, because the TRUTH is:

This is why I devote an entire workshop to helping you to see the walls of the mental prison that you have built for yourself. You'll learn how to drop the judgement that keeps these limited and limiting ideas in place.

You'll be more compassionate, forgiving, understanding, supportive and loving with yourself. This is the catalyst creating the outcomes that you want in life.

It's also the key to having a better relationship with your kids.

idea 10: parenting by default vs parenting by design

We think we are making parenting choices, but I'm not so sure.

I'm not sure that we actually have authentic choice i.e. the complete freedom to choose, here's what I mean:

The choices we think we have are in fact just limited options. We are all moving the same pieces around the same board of the same game, one that has already been chosen for us.

Parenting by Design is different, because when you ask yourself questions like:

You open yourself up to the possibility of creating your own game, of playing by your own rules. And when your parenting choices are truly coming from you:

And that's a lot more satisfying, meaningful and fulfilling, for you and for them. As Elizabeth Gilbert said:

This is a powerful message, because when your child sees you as the full expression of who you can be, you inspire them and give them permission to do the same.

the workshops

As you have seen from the 10 big ideas, there are some challenging ideas in these workshops, ideas for you to try on and to see how the world looks to you when you do. Keep what is useful to you and throw away what isn't.

One thing is for sure, nothing will change in your life by clinging onto the old ideas you have. It's only by being taken to the the edge of your existing thinking that you find the freedom to design the type of person and parent that you want to be.

I recommend leaving at least a week between workshops as that allows you to understand, develop and apply what you learn in the real world.

workshop 1: how you create your reality

You might think this an odd place to start a parenting program from, and you'd be right. But understanding how your create your reality is the key to BEING a better everything in life, not just a better parent.

Once you can see that it's your conditioned thinking patterns that are creating your world, you can start to be free of them in order to create a different life for yourself. One of the extra benefits of this is that you will also see how you are creating your problems (parenting and otherwise) and also how you create your children.

You will learn two powerful tools that will help you to see through to the TRUTH of any situation or problem. Such that any problems you think you have will cease to be a problem for you or you will see ways to move forward with situations that just weren't available to you before.

workshop 2: how to be the parent your child needs you to be

If you were to write down a job description of what you do as a parent it might look something like this: wash, cook, clean, give them money to socialise, nag them to tidy their room, encourage/bribe them to do well at school, threaten them with screen bans (other consequences) when they don't comply, act like a taxi service at the weekend, make sure they do lots of extra curricular activities etc... you know what I'm talking about.

All of this is an important and necessary part of being a parent, but if we were to ask our kids to write down what they actually need from us it would be a very different list:

I call these the 6 Pillars of Parenting and in this workshop, you'll explore them and what they mean for you. You'll learn how to embody them each day and in every situation, so that you can BE the parent that your child needs you to BE.

This is the the catalyst for a truly connected, deep and loving relationship between you. And it's the foundation that helps to build a psychologically strong and emotionally resilient child.

As a bonus, you will also learn how to apply these 6 pillars to yourself, so you can BE the person for YOU that you need to BE too. This is the catalyst for a better relationship with YOU and as a result, you will be much stronger psychologically and emotionally.

workshop 3: how to create the child you want

We create our kids every minute of every day, we just don't think of it in that way- see idea X in the 10 big ideas. So, what sort of child do you want to create? What qualities and values would you like them to have?

Confident, resilient, loving, curious, hard-working, brave to name a few- your blend will be unique to you, and you'll find out what that is in this workshop.

Identifying the characteristics you wish to help your child to develop is a start, but how do you actually help and support your child to actually develop them?

This is what you will learn to do in workshop 3 and it is built on the platform you have created in the previous workshop.

I'll show you how to use the science of character strengths to help your child understand that they already have the capacity to express themselves in any way they want. 

You'll put together a plan to help you do this, so that you feel like and know that you are helping your child to develop the qualities that are required for them yo thrive in life.

workshop 4: what sort of parent do you really want to be?

One of the interesting revelations from this particular workshop is just how much of your parenting is influenced by others. Whether that's your own parents and your desire to copy or avoid how they parented you. Or it's worrying about what other parents are doing or what other people might think or say about what we are doing.

In this workshop, you will actually get to the heart of what you want... what's important to YOU about being a parent... your VALUES, nobody else's. You will uncover and connect with the deepest parts of yourself so you can BE and ACT in a way that is consistent with who you truly are. Your VALUES will serve as your compass for all future interactions; a reminder to you of what you stand for.

Getting clarity on these will allow you to focus your attention and effort on what's really important and you'll be able to access your inner wisdom to guide you through any parenting challenge. You'll get blown off course less, and when you do, you'll know exactly what to do to get back on track.

It's also one of the key building blocks that allows you to be a Thermostat not a Thermometer. Here's one of mine, it's an example of the deep work you will do in this workshop.

workshop 5: getting out of your own way

There's only one thing holding you back from being the parent you want and from living the life you want; YOU. More accurately, it's your story. The ideas you have about who you are and what you are capable of obscure the real you and limit how you show up in the world.

When you uncover and expose your limiting beliefs, you will see exactly how and where you are holding yourself back. We do this because until you can fully own how you have created your current way of BEING, you can't access your full power to create a new one.

You'll learn how to drop your story in service of the person and parent that you want to BE. And because this is about creating a new you, this will have a positive knock-on effect on how you show up in other areas of your life, not just your parenting.

There is an added benefit here too, our kids don't learn from what we say, they learn from who we are. Your story means that a limited you is present for your kids. This is what they learn. By BEING a closer expression of your full potential, you help them to write a better story for themselves.

workshop 6: putting it all together- parenting by design

You'll learn how to incorporate everything you have learned into a daily practice. As Carl Jung said: 

You will learn how to live with a commitment to this new you, this new way of BEING that you have created. You'll learn what to do when things go wrong and how to get back in track.

This then is the key... for you to be the fullest expression of you. It is your state of BEING that creates your experience of life and the results you get. It is the key to you being the person and the parent that you want to be. It is the key to you creating the life that you want.

Our kids probably won't remember much we say, but they will remember the sort of person we were. Your story means that a limited you is present for your kids. This is what they learn. By BEING a closer expression of your full potential, you help them to write a better story for themselves.

When your child sees you as fully alive, you inspire them and give permission for them to do the same, there is no substitute for your total presence and full expression. 

parent by design

ready to start?

If you want to make this powerful change in your life, Parent by Design is a great fit and I will be very happy to work with you. How would you like to work with me?
The Group Program starts the week beginning the 18th of October 2021. You will be able to choose your workshop times once you join the Facebook group.

still not sure?

q&a